Stay on target…

I got a pleasant surprise when I got on the scale this morning and “176.0” blinked up at me. Three pounds till I hit what I have nominally identified as my “goal”, and then work to stay there. I’m not sure exactly what all has kicked into gear to help get me here, but whatever it is, I hope it sticks around.

I have been going to Yin Yoga the past several classes, and it has helped me start to feel more focused and rebalanced. This is definitely a good thing, and hopefully something that will only get stronger with time. I need to feel as though I am coming back into myself again, to figure out who this new person is and what she is capable of. It’s more than just the weight. There is an entire sense of “wholeness” that I want to find. Contentment with myself in my own skin and in my own life.

I’m beginning to understand why people go through a mid-life crisis. I’m 42, and it’s hitting me that I’m basically halfway through my working career… providing the idea of “retiring in your 60s” even exists by the time I get there. My dissatisfaction with the way things are is tangible at times – the idea of going “one more week” like this is sometimes unthinkable, let alone another 20, 30, or 40 years.

I’m working on ways to make my life different – I’m pursuing my degree in Health and Wellness and looking at various Coaching programs once I have the degree – but sometimes I don’t even know what I want to do with the rest of my life so I wonder if I’m making the wrong choice or going down the wrong path. But I don’t want to let that fear paralyze me – I need to just keep going, because “going” is better than “staying still”.

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Owning the results

For the past couple of weeks, I have gotten on the scale and found a way to rationalize the lower number that I was seeing. “It’s water weight.” “I’m dehydrated.” “It’s hormonal.”

This morning I got on the scale, looked at the number and tried to come up with all the reasons why the number wasn’t accurate…then asked myself, “What the hell are you doing? You’ve been eating better for several weeks, you’ve been staying in your calorie range, you’ve been exercising a bit… Why are you so afraid of success that you’re not willing to acknowledge what you’re doing is making a difference?”

I hate my brain sometimes.

So with the new month comes new ownership of the results, bad AND good. If I can accept the blame when my weight goes up, I damn well better be able to accept the credit when it goes down!

I have 10 pounds to go before I reach the goal I have set for myself. A couple of years ago I got within 1 pound of my goal (but never actually reached it), decided that was close enough, hung out in that weight range or a few months, then the weight crept back up. Now I’m wondering if that’s tied to some fear of success? Or is it my general tendency to leave half-finished projects lying around and never getting back to them?

Or maybe those two things are related. Hmm.

I think an experiment is in order…