I got a pleasant surprise when I got on the scale this morning and “176.0” blinked up at me. Three pounds till I hit what I have nominally identified as my “goal”, and then work to stay there. I’m not sure exactly what all has kicked into gear to help get me here, but whatever it is, I hope it sticks around.
I have been going to Yin Yoga the past several classes, and it has helped me start to feel more focused and rebalanced. This is definitely a good thing, and hopefully something that will only get stronger with time. I need to feel as though I am coming back into myself again, to figure out who this new person is and what she is capable of. It’s more than just the weight. There is an entire sense of “wholeness” that I want to find. Contentment with myself in my own skin and in my own life.
I’m beginning to understand why people go through a mid-life crisis. I’m 42, and it’s hitting me that I’m basically halfway through my working career… providing the idea of “retiring in your 60s” even exists by the time I get there. My dissatisfaction with the way things are is tangible at times – the idea of going “one more week” like this is sometimes unthinkable, let alone another 20, 30, or 40 years.
I’m working on ways to make my life different – I’m pursuing my degree in Health and Wellness and looking at various Coaching programs once I have the degree – but sometimes I don’t even know what I want to do with the rest of my life so I wonder if I’m making the wrong choice or going down the wrong path. But I don’t want to let that fear paralyze me – I need to just keep going, because “going” is better than “staying still”.
If the tortoise’s motto is “slow and steady wins the race”, then I am becoming part tortoise. I have been slack in the exercise department, which will make the Firefly 5K interesting in a couple of weeks. But I have been very good in my eating habits, and have almost broken into the 170s. My target weight range is 170-174, so that’s a significant milestone for me.
Dance is picking up significantly, with practices nearly every day this week to prepare for upcoming shows and festivals. And while I am already happier with how my costumes are fitting, I think I’ll be able to hit my goal by the start of festival season. Call me silly, but I find the idea exciting!
If I expand my definition of “fitness” to include “emotional fitness” (which is also important, IMHO), then that is improving, as well. Aside from an emotional breakdown last week that was triggered by several of my friends losing loved ones, that is. But the fact that it didn’t send me into a week-long tailspin – which it would have done this time last year – is significant.
Progress, slow and steady. Thanks, tortoise.
For the past couple of weeks, I have gotten on the scale and found a way to rationalize the lower number that I was seeing. “It’s water weight.” “I’m dehydrated.” “It’s hormonal.”
This morning I got on the scale, looked at the number and tried to come up with all the reasons why the number wasn’t accurate…then asked myself, “What the hell are you doing? You’ve been eating better for several weeks, you’ve been staying in your calorie range, you’ve been exercising a bit… Why are you so afraid of success that you’re not willing to acknowledge what you’re doing is making a difference?”
I hate my brain sometimes.
So with the new month comes new ownership of the results, bad AND good. If I can accept the blame when my weight goes up, I damn well better be able to accept the credit when it goes down!
I have 10 pounds to go before I reach the goal I have set for myself. A couple of years ago I got within 1 pound of my goal (but never actually reached it), decided that was close enough, hung out in that weight range or a few months, then the weight crept back up. Now I’m wondering if that’s tied to some fear of success? Or is it my general tendency to leave half-finished projects lying around and never getting back to them?
Or maybe those two things are related. Hmm.
I think an experiment is in order…
Well, I knew the downward slide couldn’t last forever. Saw an uptick on the scale this morning, but I’m still down from where I was two weeks ago. It just means I’m going to have to start working for it now.
The challenge will be keeping my emotional balance so I don’t stress eat and overindulge like I did this evening. I’m hoping the relatively light breakfast and lunch I had today will offset the “way too much Pei Wei” that I had for dinner. I think I’m going to take pity on my nerves and not get on the scale tomorrow morning. I’m learning to pick my battles.
I’m supposed to be working on my philosophy homework right now, but since the discussion topic is “the meaning of life” and right now I’m in an uber-pessimistic mood, it really would not be good for my grade to try and contribute to the discussion at the moment. Maybe if I get on the treadmill for a while it will help clear my head.
Or I could go find some more Girl Scout Cookies…
Tonight at the gym we had the cardio evaluation for the TEAM class. Basically it was “how far can you go on a treadmill in 30 minutes?” Not my most favoritest thing ever, but at least it wasn’t the elliptical. I did 1.9 miles, which is an average of 3.8 mph or so. I wasn’t pushing as hard as I probably could have, so I need to work on that inner motivation and drive that will make me push myself as hard as I know I can go. I can rationalize and make the excuse that I had a crazy day at work, but that’s just what it is – an excuse.
The two weeks leading up to a major event for work are always a pain and tiring. Add in the fact that I have three other events that I am working on at the same time, not to mention a bunch of other projects, and it gets even more entertaining.
I can still laugh about it – that means I haven’t hit my stress break point yet. But as we get closer and the questions from presenters get stupider, my tolerance gets lower.
Tomorrow I get to go to one of the events I’ve been working on, because we have 70 of our account management team from across our region in town for training. These are people I have talked to or emailed for various things over the past five years, so it will be neat to finally see what some of them look like. I also get to meet the new person I have recently been assigned to as admin support; spend time with the manager in Chicago that I have been supporting since October; get to see one of my past managers who keeps trying to get me to move to support him in his new role; and interact with the Region Head whom I have been assisting since July. Oh – and my actual manager that I report to on the org chart will be there, too. Work is not boring, that’s for sure.
I also got my lab numbers back from my blood test on Monday. Cholesterol is still high, but lower than it was in September, so that’s good. LDL is also too high, and working on that will be a priority. Everything else is good, yay!
Tonight at TEAM we did a class evaluation for push ups, sit ups, and planks. I wish I had written down somewhere what my push up numbers were from my initial eval on January 5 – I thought I had them, but I can’t find them, so I can’t tell if I did better or worse.
So, even though it’s embarrassing, I’m posting these so I can refer back to them as I improve.
- 30 seconds – push ups (knee): 17 (translate to 8.5 toe push ups)
- 30 seconds – sit ups: 17
- Plank hold (toe): 56 seconds
Wednesday is measurements and a 30-minute distance test on the treadmill. Looks like I get to pack the smartphone so I can put another audiobook on for the test. I just need to be sure it’s not one of my Relaxation recordings!
I also got an email from a friend asking if I was interested in doing the Foam Fest 5K in Dallas in April. The wall obstacles look a little intimidating, but overall it looks like fun, so we’re going to sign up. That gives me the Firefly Run in March, Foam Fest in April, and Diva Dash in May.
I’m also re-thinking my plan for TEAM. Saturday is the last day of my two-week “free sample”, and I was originally going to wait until March to sign up for a three-month commitment, which would bring me right up to Diva Dash in May. But now I realize I don’t want to lose the momentum that I’ve started, so even though I’m going to be out of town for a few days in February, I’m thinking of starting my three-month commitment in February anyway (or even next week, if they’ll let me).
Now that I think about it, this was a day for numbers all over the place – I had my 30,000 mile checkup this morning, so by Wednesday I should know my blood panel numbers… and what I have to do to get my cholesterol down to something resembling decent numbers. I know they’re going to be bad, I just don’t know how bad.
So here it is, New Year’s Eve 2012, and I’m spending it by sitting on the couch and overdosing on pizza and ice cream. And drinking Diet Coke ’cause, well, you know – I’m trying to be healthier and everything.
Seriously, though (although unfortunately I am serious about the pizza and ice cream), this was not my plan for New Year’s Eve. I was going to go see a movie. Probably The Hobbit. Except on my way home from work I was already so terrified of the idiot drivers on the road that I didn’t dare imagine what they would be like after they started drinking, so I decided to stay home. Besides, I have a 5K in the morning. So I came home and crashed on the couch with my Mini Schnauzers, Rosati’s, Ben & Jerry’s (curse you, Stephen Colbert, for your irresistible Americone Dream!), and NCIS. And a Diet Coke.
Tomorrow it’s supposed to be in the low 40s (which is something like 4-6 degrees Celsius – since I seem to be getting visitors from the UK I had to look up the math), windy, and maybe a little rainy. But I am not going to wuss out on the Commitment Day 5K. I’m not. I promise! I even went and bought some warmer jogging pants and an UnderArmour long-sleeved shirt thingy in the hopes of not having the excuse of being cold. I don’t do mornings. I don’t like cold. I moved to Texas from Chicago for a reason! Do I sound like I’m whining? I guess I am, maybe a little. But I’m not going to wuss out on going. I need to have something to write about tomorrow!
I signed up for Janathon (click the handy blue icon on the right for more information) as a way to encourage me to not only make activity a daily thing during the next 31 days, but also to be active on this blog. I tend to trail abandoned blogs behind me like breadcrumbs, so having a defined goal with a definite time frame will hopefully keep this one from meeting a premature end. By the end of January, the activity and the blogging will have had a chance to become a habit, and then I can go on to the next goal!